Hell In A Bucket page 3

Jem leaves in a hurry.
Front door is heard slamming.
Binge walks into kitchen. Athena
places two Kiwi fruits on counter.

Binge
Well, he bolted too.

Athena takes a meat tenderizer
and smashes Kiwi. Starts to eat it.
Binge cringes with each smash of
hammer.

Binge
I never seen anyone do that to Kiwi fruit before.

Athena
It’s just fun. Take out the garbage.

Binge stands at open front door,
it’s raining out. He looks over
his shoulder.

Athena’s living room:
SFX Doorbell

Athena
(off screen) Binge! Answer the door.

Binge
(enters)
Do this! Do that! She’s like a hot Leona Helmsley.

SFX Doorbell

Athena
(off screen) Answer the door, you moron.

Binge
I got it, I got it!

Athena
(off screen) If you did, it wouldn’t still be ringing.

SFX Doorbell

Binge
(AC/DC impression)
HELL’S BELLS...YOU GOT ME RINGING....

Athena’s front door exterior:
Binge opens up front door to
find Dr. Jimmy Robson, Keysburg’s
very own tele-evangelist. Dr. Jimmy
has a Bible and pamphlets in his hand.

Binge
(angrily upon recognizing Dr. Jimmy)
OH JESUUS......
(pauses, changes tone to friendly) person!
Uhm, hi, great timing!

Dr. Jimmy
Have you thought about where you will go when you die?

Binge
No, but I know how I can move all my stuff there. Who says you can’t take it with you?

Dr. Jimmy
uhm,...I don’t have a prepared answer for that one..

Binge
What do you know about Hell?

Dr. Jimmy
If you let me in, I can ease all of your fears about Hell.

Binge guides Dr. Jimmy in,
looks about for witnesses.

Binge
Yea, yea, we can look into Hell together.

Dr. Jimmy finds himself
standing in front of a 2
story high mural of
Athena in costume. He
turns to Binge.

Dr. Jimmy
You know you don’t have to go to Hell.

Binge
Well, Hell sort of came to us.

Dr. Jimmy
Us?

Binge
Hell just sort of appeared in my almost girlfriend’s
dungeon. Are you scared of Satan?

Dr. Jimmy
I can look Satan in the eye and tell him to back off in the name of the Lord!

Binge
I was talking about my almost girlfriend. But really? You can do that with the Devil? This might be what we need.

Dr. Jimmy
With the blood of the Lamb I can render Satan’s powers useless.

Binge
Cool. Did you bring some with you? We have some blood in the fridge, but I don’t know what kind it is.

Both stand at the door to
dungeon, Binge opens it.
High winds, screams and
flickering red light.

Binge
(almost screaming to be heard over noise) It’s been here for about a day. It seems to be getting bigger... Any ideas? I’m open to suggestions here.

Dr. Jimmy
Wha...what ...is..is...it?

Binge
Be damned if I know.... I was hoping you could tell me. Does brimstone smell like bad cottage cheese? (sniff, sniff) I’ve been throwing crap in it to clog it up, you know, like a toilet...

Suddenly from the vortex
Solaris the demon flies out.
He is very ugly, tattered and
about 2 feet tall. Binge looks
to Dr. Jimmy. Dr Jimmy grabs
the back of his pants.
SFX: Wet fart sound.
Binge rolls his eyes.

Binge
Oh, you're no help.

Binge grabs the wooden
paddle from the wall. Starts
to swing wildly at the demon.
Dr Jimmy’s face goes pale,
he turns and runs out door.

Athena’s Living room.
Athena is watering a plant
as Dr. Jimmy runs past
toward the door. Very
casually Athena acknowledges
him.

Athena
Hi Jimmy...

Scene: Living room of
Lance and Jody’s house.
Lance is sitting but reclined
low on couch, VERY stoned,
corn chips scattered across
his chest. Only thumb on
joystick is moving.
PS2 controller in hand.
SFX: car crashes, gunshots,
door knock

Lance
(whinny voice)
Honeeeeeeeeey, there’s someone at the door!

Jody walks in, crosses
room with a miniature horse
(live) under her arm.
She is wearing a leather
blacksmith apron and gloves.

Jody
(angrily)
Oh, I wasn’t busy. I was just shoeing a horse...

Opens
the door.


Jem leaves in a hurry. Front door is heard slamming. Binge walks into kitchen. Athena places two Kiwi fruits on counter. Binge Well, he bolted too. Athena takes a meat tenderizer and smashes Kiwi. Starts to eat it. Binge cringes with each smash of hammer. Binge I never seen anyone do that to Kiwi fruit before. Athena It’s just fun. Take out the garbage. Binge stands at open front door, it’s raining out. He looks over his shoulder. Athena’s living room: SFX Doorbell Athena (off screen) Binge! Answer the door. Binge (enters) Do this! Do that! She’s like a hot Leona Helmsley. SFX Doorbell Athena (off screen) Answer the door, you moron. Binge I got it, I got it! Athena (off screen) If you did, it wouldn’t still be ringing. SFX Doorbell Binge (AC/DC impression) HELL’S BELLS...YOU GOT ME RINGING.... Athena’s front door exterior: Binge opens up front door to find Dr. Jimmy Robson, Keysburg’s very own tele-evangelist. Dr. Jimmy has a Bible and pamphlets in his hand. Binge (angrily upon recognizing Dr. Jimmy) OH JESUUS...... (pauses, changes tone to friendly) person! Uhm, hi, great timing! Dr. Jimmy Have you thought about where you will go when you die? Binge No, but I know how I can move all my stuff there. Who says you can’t take it with you? Dr. Jimmy uhm,...I don’t have a prepared answer for that one.. Binge What do you know about Hell? Dr. Jimmy If you let me in, I can ease all of your fears about Hell. Binge guides Dr. Jimmy in, looks about for witnesses. Binge Yea, yea, we can look into Hell together. Dr. Jimmy finds himself standing in front of a 2 story high mural of Athena in costume. He turns to Binge. Dr. Jimmy You know you don’t have to go to Hell. Binge Well, Hell sort of came to us. Dr. Jimmy Us? Binge Hell just sort of appeared in my almost girlfriend’s dungeon. Are you scared of Satan? Dr. Jimmy I can look Satan in the eye and tell him to back off in the name of the Lord! Binge I was talking about my almost girlfriend. But really? You can do that with the Devil? This might be what we need. Dr. Jimmy With the blood of the Lamb I can render Satan’s powers useless. Binge Cool. Did you bring some with you? We have some blood in the fridge, but I don’t know what kind it is. Both stand at the door to dungeon, Binge opens it. High winds, screams and flickering red light. Binge (almost screaming to be heard over noise) It’s been here for about a day. It seems to be getting bigger... Any ideas? I’m open to suggestions here. Dr. Jimmy Wha...what ...is..is...it? Binge Be damned if I know.... I was hoping you could tell me. Does brimstone smell like bad cottage cheese? (sniff, sniff) I’ve been throwing crap in it to clog it up, you know, like a toilet... Suddenly from the vortex Solaris the demon flies out. He is very ugly, tattered and about 2 feet tall. Binge looks to Dr. Jimmy. Dr Jimmy grabs the back of his pants. SFX: Wet fart sound. Binge rolls his eyes. Binge Oh, you're no help. Binge grabs the wooden paddle from the wall. Starts to swing wildly at the demon. Dr Jimmy’s face goes pale, he turns and runs out door. Athena’s Living room. Athena is watering a plant as Dr. Jimmy runs past toward the door. Very casually Athena acknowledges him. Athena Hi Jimmy... Scene: Living room of Lance and Jody’s house. Lance is sitting but reclined low on couch, VERY stoned, corn chips scattered across his chest. Only thumb on joystick is moving. PS2 controller in hand. SFX: car crashes, gunshots, door knock Lance (whinny voice) Honeeeeeeeeey, there’s someone at the door! Jody walks in, crosses room with a miniature horse (live) under her arm. She is wearing a leather blacksmith apron and gloves. Jody (angrily) Oh, I wasn’t busy. I was just shoeing a horse... Opens the door. Next Page	Scene: Hell Satan is in a Lazy Boy watching TV. As he channel surfs, a bag of garbage lands and breaks open in front of the TV. Satan looks up. Scene: Hell Satan SOLARIS! Small winged demon flutters over to Satan. Satan There is a hole in the roof, FIX IT! Demon flutters off. Athena looks down hall, goes into Dungeon. Binge is being held against wall, paddle to neck, feet off of floor. Demon is holding paddle against Binge. He kicks franticly. Athena is off screen, snaps a flog, striking the demon. Demon falls to the floor, Athena stomps on it, kicks it sideways into vortex. Binge sitting on floor rubbing his neck. Athena Will you stop playing around? Binge What the hell was that? Athena A bat must've gotten into the condo. Now do something about that hole! Binge What can I do? I’m an artist. We tried two crack-pot religions and a rocket scientist. Maybe now is a good time to sell your condo... Athena Right! Two bedroom, one bath, and a hole straigh to Hell Three hundred fifty thou! Binge Wait! There’s one more person who may be able to save the world....